kindness – 40 things…

27th “thing” achieved: 5. Do 40 favours for friends

A chance to show my friends how much I appreciate them

When I was writing my list of 40 things, I wanted to set myself some goals around becoming more generous with my time. I wouldn’t say I am particularly selfish – if anyone asked me for something I am always happy to oblige – but I do tend to be quite oblivious to the needs of others until they ask me for help.

A couple of years ago, I was stuck without a car for a while and at the time, all of my friends and colleagues rallied round to help me out. It was really difficult asking people for help but I was incredibly touched by the generosity of those around me. Nobody seemed to mind helping, although I definitely minded asking! In fact, often my friends had to suggest, offer or even insist on helping me before I would think to ask!

Words can’t describe how relieved I was when I finally got back on the road and didn’t have to burden others any more.

I concluded that I would need to be more observant to spot opportunities to help my friends, and so I set myself the goal of doing 40 favours for friends. I started out quite well – after declaring my intentions some friends came forward and asked me for a few favours which I was happy to help with.

I lent out my parking permit to a colleague, lent my dining table and chairs to a friend for a dinner party, helped a friend create a costume for her daughter’s school play, and made a cake for her to auction off at her kid’s school fete.

Image may contain: one or more people, people sitting and indoor — Cake for Mandy’s Christmas fete auction

My friend Dave managed to call in a few favours – he was moving abroad and so I helped him pack, housed him for a few days, and helped out with a few other bits such as cleaning the house ready for his new tenants, and maintaining his garden.

Image may contain: 4 people, people smiling, people standing and indoor — Nat, Chris and I show off our guns after we helped Dave move

It was around then that the opportunities dried up. Apart from the odd lift here and there, I found it really hard to actually do anything for anyone!

We Brits are a proud bunch, and it is a strange phenomenon that people simply do not want to trouble others by asking for help. In fact, even when you have someone jumping up and down, begging to help, we go, “No no, it’s OK, I can manage”. I don’t know whether it is that British reserve, not wanting to put anyone out, or if it is because we are fiercely independent and don’t want to be beholden to another person.

In the end, I put out an appeal on Facebook. I asked my friends to help me – by letting me help them. A few people came back with some suggestions. One friend asked me to babysit so she and her husband could go out to celebrate their birthdays. Another friend asked me to help her boyfriend write his CV and job applications. One friend asked me to help with her gardening when she was unable to move following an operation.

I was delighted to help with all of these things, but for each of them I had to chase the person – after the initial request and agreement, there was a general reluctance to follow through and actually take me up on the offer! I had to keep reminding them that I meant it!

The clincher was when I emphasised that by letting me help them, they were also helping me achieve my goal. It seemed that this was the key – reciprocity – the fact that people didn’t want to inconvenience me or put me at a disadvantage.

Doing the favours for friends was a really interesting exercise. I relished the opportunity to help my friends, and to demonstrate to them how highly I regarded them by just a few little actions.

It also gave me an opportunity to give something back – others have done so much for me, even if I couldn’t directly repay the people involved for their generosity I wanted to pay it forward and spread the love a little.

Finally it gave me a chance to observe a quirk of British nature – the reluctance to accept help, even when offered. I’ve seen it before when doing the random acts of kindness – people simply do not want to put others out.

The lesson from this one is simple. People are ready and willing to help – they actually want to – and by refusing to accept their offer you are not only making things more difficult for yourself, but you are also denying your friends the opportunity to do something that will make them feel happy and content, knowing that they have found a way to demonstrate how much they appreciate your friendship.

If someone wants to help, let them. You will be doing them a favour.

25th “thing” achieved: 6. Perform 40 Random Acts of Kindness

A bit of effort goes a long way

I’ve always felt inspired by stories of random acts of kindness. The idea of someone going out of their way to make a stranger’s day a bit brighter always leaves me with a warm feeling. So setting myself a goal to perform 40 random acts of kindness had to make the list.

I like to think that I’m a relatively kind individual but actually it is amazing how difficult it can be sometimes to actively find those opportunities. I set out thinking that this one would be a doddle – less than one act of kindness a week should be easy – however 2 months in and I had managed a measly 2 random acts. Nobody seemed to want my help!

I offered to help someone carry their bags – they said no. I thought I could offer my seat on the train to someone but there were plenty of seats available. I hadn’t found any lost people needing directions, or met a little old lady that needed something off the top shelf, or had an unexpired parking ticket to give someone.

I looked on a couple of websites for ideas and they suggested some pretty unhelpful things like:

“Buy stuff for people” – well that would get expensive fast
“Leave motivational notes for strangers” – maybe not, we are British after all!
“Smile at strangers” – really? Don’t we do that anyway? I do!

I realised I was going to have to work hard at this one. I started taking pains to observe everyone around me, to actively identify opportunities. Slowly but surely, the opportunities started to present themselves. If someone was looking around in a confused manner, I’d ask them if they needed help. I spotted an open gate about to blow into a parked car and secured it. I comforted a lost kid and helped him find his nan. I helped a family whose kid had fallen into nettles to find dock leaves and help calm the stinging until they could get her home.

I took the time to chat to the homeless people on the street, and find out their story. Often they told me that they just wanted advice, or someone to talk to, not just money.

In winter, I bought a guy hat and gloves and some thermal underclothes. I found a charity that was collecting old coats for the homeless and donated all my old ones. I put together a little “hygiene pack” for a girl consisting of toothbrush/toothpaste, cleansing wipes, sanitary products, deodorant and dry shampoo and sneaked it next to her sleeping bag.

homeless-person-with-sign-dog-shutterstock_96134678 — An example of the type of sign you might see

I soon found other little ways to show kindness. I stopped a lady in the street to compliment her gorgeous dress. I thanked a man who was working hard to keep our riverside clean and tidy. I mowed my neighbour’s garden when I noticed she was away and the house looked unoccupied.

I bought gluten free goodies for a couple of my friends that are intolerant, as a little treat. I cleared a load of undergrowth from a shared common area in my neighbourhood. I gave a hair bobble to a girl at a dance weekend, when hers broke.

53dc6102-4eb1-4d3d-b4b6-82705641176a — Gluten free brownies… mmm

Not everything cost money, although a few of the random acts did – out of the 40 random acts of kindness, 13 incurred a cost. But not that much, a couple of quid here and there which is negligible to me but can have a big impact on someone else.

There are three incidents in particular that really stood out to me.

1: Help carry someone’s shopping

The first was an old lady who was collecting her shopping from M&S. They have a service where you can leave your groceries to collect later – handy if you want to look around town for a bit. You ring a bell at their back door and they bring the bags out to you. I saw the lady trying to pick up several bags and immediately went over to offer to help. She told me she was going to catch her bus home, so I picked up her bags and walked her to the bus station.

As we walked, she told me that she had recently injured her shoulder falling down the stairs, likely from a mild epileptic seizure. She was completely overwhelmed by a simple offer to carry her bags a couple of hundred yards. She said nobody had ever offered to help before, so she always struggled on by herself. I waited with her for the bus and put the bags inside for her, and sent her on her way with a massive smile on her face.

Cost – £0.00

2: Pay for someone’s coffee

The second was in the queue at Costa. I spotted the lady behind me sorting out the coins in her purse to pay for her coffee, and as I ordered my drink and sandwich, I also told the cashier to pay for her drink too.

The lady was completely taken aback. She tried to give me the cash but I explained it was my treat, and she found it quite difficult to fathom that a complete stranger would want to buy her coffee! She apologised that she was about to catch a bus so couldn’t stay, but I assured her it was a simple treat. Slightly stunned, she took her coffee and left in a daze.

The cashier was delighted. She was so touched by the gesture that she tried to give me a free Millionaire’s Shortbread to thank me for my act of kindness! I then proceeded to give this to another customer who was sat feeding her baby in the corner.

As I left, I watched this ripple of happiness spread throughout the coffee shop. The cashier was telling all the customers what she had seen. Other customers were joining in. The lady I gave the shortbread to started talking to another customer, showing them her unexpected treat.

Suddenly everyone was smiling and chatting even though they were complete strangers!

Cost – £2.00

3: Help someone who is short of cash at the till

The third was on a road trip to Snowdonia with a friend. We stopped for some food and in the queue for Burger King, the chap next to us realised that he was about 30p short for his chilli cheese bites. He was getting quite flustered as it was a long way back to the car where his wallet was, and he didn’t quite have enough change in his pocket. They only cost about £2.20 so I reached over and tapped my card on the contactless screen for him.

30a008e5f318e4c96c0c4aa8643f74b7--burger-kings-fastfood

The chap was completely blown away! He tried to give me the cash but I told him it was a treat. He told us how he was taking his son on a trip, and how they don’t get to spend much time together, and just kept repeating how nobody had ever offered to help him like this before. I wished him and his son a good journey and went to eat my dinner.

On our way to the table, my friend Sandy picked up a handful of napkins and we joked that we always pick up loads of tissues and never use them. 5 minutes later, another customer who had got sauce all over his hands and face came to ask us if we knew where the tissues were. Sandy gave him the big wodge of napkins, and I swear he was as overwhelmed as the first guy!

Just as we were about to leave, the first guy came back, waving a £5 note and again trying to pay us back. He was so grateful as we waved the money away, and nonplussed how strangers were happy to spot him a couple of quid. A bit later, the napkin guy came and again spent ages thanking us and telling us how generous we were!

Cost: £2.20 (me) and £0.00 (Sandy)

Honestly, it felt a little bit like that scene in Coming to America – you know, where people are falling over themselves to thank Prince Akeem – but this was over £2 and some tissues!

It just goes to show that the tiniest gesture, that takes little effort or regard, can actually have a huge impact on the recipient.

You don’t even need their thanks – just the knowledge that you have made their lives a little bit better can be a great feeling. I particularly liked the fact that everyone I helped opened up a little and shared some of their story with me. Especially in the South of England, people can appear distant or cold – shut off from the rest of the world. By offering something of yourself, it is surprising how much you get back in return.

I would really advise that you give it a go. It is addictive, the feeling you get when you do something nice for someone.

For inspiration:

Random Acts of Kindness ideas
Some inspiring stories (have the tissues ready)

8th “thing” achieved: 22. Volunteer in the local community

Helping the disadvantaged in Guildford

When I talk to people about the local community, I often hear people say that they want to do more, but don’t know how to get involved. I wanted to ensure that I did get involved, and a couple of years ago I happened across Ready 4 Action.

It’s an annual volunteer programme to provide support to the local community. Every year on the first Bank Holiday in May, all of Guildford’s local churches get together and help the disadvantaged in practical ways such as gardening, decoration, fixing things, and rubbish clearance.

Usually it’s over all 3 days and as I was already busy on the Saturday I turned up on the Sunday morning. I was disappointed to learn it was cut back to 1.5 days this year, in part due to lack of funding. However I had turned up to do my bit, and paid my £5 registration fee, collected my t-shirt and waited for my orders.

Awaiting orders

Some of the tools ready 4 action

They split us into teams, with a leader and foreman. We were assigned to a garden to clear but the recipient was not in, so we were reassigned to another garden. This was for a family of 7, two formerly single parents who had got together and now had a large family with 5 kids. The garden was large, but probably too large. It had become overgrown with brambles and nettles which had surrounded all of the children’s play areas, and it was clear that the garden had deteriorated into a job that was too big for the residents to cope with.

When our team of four arrived, we joined another team of five. Between us we managed to clear years’ worth of rubbish, leaves, brambles, nettles, dirt, and garden debris. We were joined after a few hours by another team of 3 and then we managed to turn the overgrown mess into a proper garden again. We chatted to the owner who was really grateful. He had got to the point where he didn’t know where to start as it was completely beyond him. As it took 12 of us to clear it, you can see how for one man, it was far too much. Now all he has to do is maintain it!

Play area – before & after

After

We filled 2 tipper trucks with rubbish and finished the day with the satisfaction of a job well done. The church had a BBQ for the volunteers but I skipped it in favour of going home for a nap!

The opportunities to help are out there, we just need to make a bit of effort to find them.

If you want to find out more, please feel free to message me or click here for information on the Matrix Trust.